This is an odd line to start with because I know how deep
the meaning goes but I don’t know how to express myself on the same. There
comes a time in everybody’s life when he/she is met with disappointments… where
he/she thinks about future possibilities and the fear gives jitters to the
core… where to calm oneself we tend to pat our own backs and mutter “All is
well”… where it’s not.
Going through the same “all is well” scenario something
within me was not going well. I hooked onto the word “hope” for my future but
it still won’t calm me down, it still won’t inspire me to keep going, to keep
trying no matter what and thinking that one day the sun will shine the way I
want. Through this, I have a strange urge to shout, I’m getting irritated, not
saying anything and not wanting to converse with anyone. I switch my phone off,
don’t take interest in conversations, my mind is running on a dimension that is
much different from the location of my physical presence… Although I’m doing
very insignificant works yet I’m sad, not in a good mood… and in short I’M
UPSET FOR SOME REASON I DON’T KNOW.
Thinking and thinking my mind was exploding like a volcano
and the words randomly either from me or from others kept ringing in my head. One
of my good friend always say “be positive”
and he argues that my approach towards life is not positive… but on the
other hand my mind keeps muttering “IF IT’S DESTINED TO BE SO, HOW COME I DON’T
LIKE IT????? “ …. IF IT’S DESTINED TO BE SO… HOW COME I DON’T LIKE IT????? ….
Again and again... the same thing… if whatever is happening,
is supposed to happen this way, then why am I not happy??? Why do I have this
uncomfortable urge of doing something that could impart me some happiness???
This was quite tricky for me to figure out… but I’m glad I did.
The answer my mind gives is “PRIORITY”… yes, its always
about priority, In love, in hatred, in care, in career, in friendship, in
family and even in pain.
I have never imagined myself as a home person. Whenever my
dreams take a ride, I find myself in an office and working all the time. But my
reality is a 180° turn to my dreams making myself feel that I’m some sort of
Cinderella. I can head out to work like a workaholic, I’m not tied down, yet I’m
bound. Although the feeling irritates me, but deep down I know I made such
choice on the basis of my priority, my family.
Some people enter your life, say four sweet words, become
good friends, say two bitter things and then exit making u feel miserable, you
try, try, try and at last be sad and hopeful for the reconciliation. Yes you do
miss them, unconsciously wait for their message/call, sometimes feeling you’ve
lost a good friend… but then some other day, some other people walk into your
life, say six sweet words, you start conversing with them, you start calling
them your friends, your angels... but somehow unconsciously you no longer wait
for the former ones... it’s not that the new ones have replaced the old ones,
coz everybody holds a special place in your life that no other could replace.
Then what?? I think somehow it’s also about priorities. No! NO! It’s not that
my priorities towards people have changed. I think my priorities towards myself
have changed. I chose to be happier, feel more alive rather than sit back for
years trying for reconciliations. In other words I was moving on.
Not just family, friends or relationships, the same holds
true for career perspective. One of my good friend once said “was a time when I
desperately needed a job, not for the sake of money, but for the sake of
working. I would travel a long distance, work on a minimal salary, more than
half of which would go into my travel expense, yet I was doing it for the sake
of working.”… Another of my friend is a doctor, but is getting settled on the
condition that she won’t work. Different people, different priorities, doing
things they don’t like, yet doing it. Sometimes you cancel an important
appointment even when you worked really hard just for getting one. Sometimes
you wanted to do something else, but you end up doing something else. We blame
people, we blame conditions, we blame destiny, but we never blame our priority.
At the end of the day and thinking through the process one
thing was crystal clear to me. That my life was running on the priorities I was
choosing. But there was one more thing I realized later.
I once read a psychologist’s view about men that man has an
internal urge to protect and provide for the people he considers his own. But
my thought process now doesn’t relate to this because being a girl I’m
providing for the comforts, happiness and well being of my family and friends.
I’m giving away my comforts, my happiness and my priority for their sake. I’m
also struggling to protect them from all possible discomforts whatever may
come. Even when irritated or not in a good mood, I’m laughing heartily, making
attempts to make them laugh coz somewhere deep down my instinct says that they
had a rough day.
When I distance myself from them, I set my priority onto
their success in career and other fields rather than onto my will and happiness
I get by talking to them. But sometimes what nobody understands is that my
sadness or pain originates just because I’m prioritizing them over myself. So
the insignificant works I do, insignificant positions I hold, are somehow
playing a very important role in molding my life, although in a very
insignificant way but holding intact a lot of important people, relationships
and priorities.
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